Travel to Past

How can I explain it? How can I tell that lately I feel so much of the nothingness inside. And lately I dream about my past. The life where once I was a kid. I realize that I'm still me inside that small body. However I just can't change the past. Just like travel in time just to see what happened but can change nothing because I stay in the body with the current consciousness. But yet the past consciousness of me is controlling. Which I made me wish that I can control that small body next time if I ever travel again.

And what will happen if I ever control that body and change things. At least the current me know what is the better decision that I should make because I've seen the outcome. Or can I communicate with the that consciousness? Is it me or just somebody else? I know, nobody can answer this. Unless the One who knows everything. I'm so amazed that He let me to dream and think on these silly questions.

Somehow, as a human, I can't help myself to cry. I wake up every morning and there are always tears. I know things will get better, time by time a mother forgive, a father come back home, and sisters smiles. Those dreams are just dreams. Past is past. But I'm still me. :)

This One Girl

I know this one girl

Who is as beautiful as Aphrodite

She claimed that she’s a poet

A beautiful poet

That’s her

She’s a jazz singer

Her voice is unique

Never heard anything like hers

She sings only soothing’s one

But she’s gone now

She just stop

Don’t where she is

But her poems,

Her voice is still in my head

Men Are Hunters

Is that true?
That men are hunters?
They hunt her
Then they love her

It is instinct too see her
They feel it
They feel once they see her
They see someone they desire
They feel that burning desire
They get ....

If she can feel it through heart
They different
They feel it through ....
They feel it faster than her

They would flirt with her
They'll get excited and hard
They need to be touched
They want to touch her
So much they do

She feels love
But they want it like 4 times a day
They get so .... and cannot control
Their thing get hard
Their thing wants her touch

After then
They are slightly more independent
Yet, they desire it again later
They'll hunt again.

Walking Path

I walk in a long straight path
There's no exit along the path
But sometimes I have to walk on the broken glasses
I have to walk in fire
I have to walk through the thorns

Upon of years walking
I've met a few people
That would walk along with me
That fade away all the pain
Never thought it is temporary..

18-09-14 /0138

A few days ago I dreamt about that guy. In my dream he calls me and says sorry for leaving me without any words. Then I cry. It's so weird that when I look into the mirror my face changes into other person's face. A bit thin, have a nice straight bang covers my forehead, and sweet dimples. Wow that's not me at all. I wear baju kurung nicely. And people treat me so well. They are all lovely.

All those things happened in my dream, which I wanted it so badly to be true. Yea not really. I haven't wish to have a straight bang and some dimples on my face. But yeah.. if it really happens then I'll be happy.

About that guy. It was a very long time ago. I was in love, but he never takes it seriously then left me. Without any goodbye, i waited him for about a year. Then I realize that it was useless. He's so happy with somebody else while I cried every night alone. It was sad though. But I think that's what makes me so strong now.

I don't know why he did that. But if I have a chance to talk to him again, I would say that it's okay to tell me the truth that he doesn't want me anymore and I'll be okay soon. At least I wouldn't want him for most a year. I don't mad at him, but I think I deserved an explanation. I understand if he don't like me because of my personality or even my appearance. He has right to choose.

I felt sorry to him and myself that I couldn't be perfect for him. And now I'm in dilemma. I know a guy but our love seems stuck. That I cannot talk to him because his mother don't like him to talk with me. I can't blame his mother, because she deserve her son more. But I'm confuse either should I move on or stay. I hope I'll make a better decision soon.

Every Inch of Us is Perfect

Forget about your weight
Forget about your face
It perfect the way it is
It is too perfect for this temporariness

The unfold hankies

It's 2355. I'm going to sleep by now. But before that I would like to write something so that I can sleep tightly without thinking too much. Lately I've faced a few people who talk like the politicians. You know, the type who can't be interrupted and who talks things and then they just sidetrack most of the content so that the person who wants to say something (which they think that that person is going to bring down their points) will forget everything that he or she wants to say.

I rather silent than talk to such people. What as waste of time that I had to deal with that kind of people lately. But I can't avoid them that I have to face them through out the year. And sometimes I feel like 'Oh God, I hate tomorrow'. It's because of me had to face them at my workplace.

I can simply say that I want them to stop. But you know, politicians. Soon, they'll influence others not to like me, and I can't do my job with people hating me.

Alright the other thing that made me think too much today is about me. How can I like people so easily? Imagine when a person came to you and said that he likes you. You insist, but somehow after a quite time, you'll accept him for sure because of his persistence. But then day by day he just left you without saying a word...How can I deal with that kind of problem / person? I am still weak and cry a lot.

Well, I like to wipe all my tears with the unfold hankies rather than the folded one. Don't know what are the difference but the unfold hankies make me feel better......

Why I Hate Me

What it feel like being born again? I've done so much sins but yet never feel  like to repent. I wish to change but never do it. I wish for something that I couldnt have but yet I knew it is just a waste of time. I plan for everything but it never turn out good. Why do I hate myself so much, why I hate every human in the world including my Dad, my Mum, my sisters and even friends? How can I forget the past? How can I living with the past? How can I stop wishing for something that I cant have? How to stop loving someone so easily? How?

Day by day, I am still the same person. Always jealous of someone who are better than me, who got things that I want. I dont know how to start over a new life. I mean, I want to change by creating a new life. I want to be a very calm person, independent, very organize, a good planner and so on.

But somehow I still dont understand myself. Why I'm still doing things I hate? Why I do nothing when I want to do it? Why I'm sleepy but rarely sleep early? Why everytime I have money, I just buy a few things than there's no penny left? Why I follow other person doing unwillingly? And why am I like this? Good night.

A friend I Admire the Most

Since months ago I have a new friends, Kak Na. She is 11 years old older than me. And I never met anybody who has such a good personality like her before. I trust my heart that I admire her so much. She likes giving away what she has. And this is not jealousy, because I like her. I want to be closer to her. It is not because I want something from her. It is because I just like her, and she is a good friend.

I know, as a human she couldn't avoid herself from problems. But she manages to hide it. She doesn't sells her stories to others. She's just cool. A very cool person. Don't know how to describe her well. But she is the coolest person I've ever met. May Allah blessed her, and grant her all of her prayers.

Regret

Is there any best way to say good bye? Or perhaps an action? I would sing a nice good bye song to the person who I want to leave.

"Choose your last word this is the last time, 'cause you and I, we were born to die."

If only I could sing it to him that last phrase... Hmm but it's not that easy. I'm still sad to remember about what I've done last night. I should not regret because I want to do it. It's not me who was forced to do it. But it's my own decision that I lead him to do it with me. It such a wrong doing, though it feels good. I shouldn't regret. Definitely.

However, it sometimes makes me wonder why I keep doing things that I will regret of doing it. Why I'm always like that? I should control myself. Indeed I thought that I won't regret, yeah. There's something wrong with me. Hmmm. I'm tired of my own doing -_-

Karaoke Time

Since the school holiday started I fill up my time with chatting in a few room at Paltalk. It's true that I can do other good things but I just want to stay at home and do nothing because this is my only chance to stay online LOL. Such a bad excuse hahaha. And this is my chance to shine, I can sing and let other people listen and comment. I was flattered and happy LOL.

Heh...

Now Listening #5

This is an official audio of the new song from Lana Del Rey, titled Shades of Cool. My first impression on this song is. "Not Bad". But as I listened it repeatedly, I could feel that this song has brought me to the history of my life. The part where I was in love with a bad boy who has so many girlfriends and I am one of them. Despite that I know it, I never felt so down. I was so happy that he likes me ahead of the other girls. That made me so proud and happy.

But, it ended so tragically where he just changed his direction to the other girls. Well, truthfully I don't ever regret to know him. It's just an experience for me as a guidance in future. But this song is very meaningful to me. Don't know why, it's not that I want him back. But it is just a great memories, when I was so young back then.

BTW, this song is great. It is so blues but I wish the other songs in her album would be better than this. If it all blues than I'll rest my case. However, West Coast is better.

Now Listening #4

A new album of Lana Del Rey, Ultraviolence is coming soon, and this is her first single from that album. This song keeps playing in my head recently. I don't know what is the meaning of the song. And the lyrics are very direct. Love the music when it changes through out the song.

Her voice is great as always. I would expect another great songs from her new album. And I enjoy singing this :)

Now Listening #3

A great vocal from Sia has made me to fall in love with this song, Chandelier. At first I thought it is sang by Rihanna as the tone that she used on this song is the same as Diamond by Rihanna. But then I remembered that the Diamond song was created by Sia. A part of this song especially the chorus is very hard for a normal singer to sing but Sia did it well. Of course because this is her song LOL.

This song's lyrics are a bit implicit, which it is a story about a drinker. But as I read through it, I found that the writer wants to confess that she is really tired of her life but she doesn't has choices, she needs to go on. " 1,2,3 1,2,3 drink:" means the routine that she does for most everyday. She's tired but she's still doing it.

Well about the music video, it is impressive. The dance which is Maddie Ziegler from the Dance Mom TV Show did a great job to tell an another story of the song. Well no wonder she looks very familiar, it is because I was once watched that TV Show. Hahaha LOL.

The little kitty :)

My cat, his name is Moni

Sometime I always question,

"What is like being a cat?"
I would imagine that the cat is just like me, but the difference is the body. What type of bodies we live in and then that bodies are already come with their life style.
As now I'm a human, I'm the one who love to control the 'seen' identities in this world. What if I'm a cat? Then I'll just sleep more, eat more, fight with a few other cats, or even catch the lizard. Those are what cats do.
As a cat, what one would think? Has it ever feels like trapped in such a small body that would not let it to do things that it really wants to do?
Hmmm..well what ever.

Evolution of memories

Sometimes I don't remember doing things. But sometimes I remember things that I don't even do. This feeling makes me afraid of myself. I wish could really differentiate which is my real memory. That I forgot that I already close the windows or I don't even open them.
Last night I dreamt about my extension life. My house got more rooms and larger. I have lot of friends with me. My mum is nicer. She doesn't complain that I'm still unemployed. My father is in the house. We do so much fun things together. Eat together. My mum cook such good food again. And most of all, I'm happy.
Being happy in dreams is not good. Ya, I knew that. But where or what else in the world is the better place and can make me happy?

The Existence

Where am I? Why I here? That's what I said everytime I wake up in the morning. This existence makes me feel very lonely that only me alone could feel it. Sometime I questioned, what is it like being God? Must be lonely.
Yes I know I shouldn't ask such of these questions. But I'm just a normal human who got some crazy thought. It is not that I'm an insane.
Sometime when I wake up, I would just cry and sleep again. Until I get tired of sleeping. It would be nice if I just never think about these. Then I be happier like the other robotic humans.

Holiday

Spending my time with friends for a few days is my best time. I love to spend my time with them. Although we had a few misunderstanding situations, we still okay because we don't take it seriously and end up with a few fun things to make us happy like normal again. Yes, we don't went to nice place. Just Kuantan Town which is the place where we had our study, foundation of TESL.

We just went to karaoke, and shopping. We planned to go to Teluk Cempedak beach and watch movie together but we cancelled it. We just walked through the malls, yeah. At the hotel we talked a lot about our relationship and conspiracy thingy, played poker and donkey, and the truth or dare game.

Now I'm home again. Boring. I miss them already. We decided that, that event should be annually but different places. In future we need to have some improvement in planning. Haha.

Not a Native Speaker

I am a Malay Girl. I learn English since I was in kindergarten. 

But as I grew up, I see so many people out there speak English. 

In fact, most of my friends are English students and English teacher. 

So I decided to create a blog, where I can post everything in English. 

I do not mind if I do a lot of mistake regarding to the terms or even grammatical errors. 

Please correct me when I'm wrong.